United States Urges Great Britain to Take Them Back

(Chicago, IL) After 237 years as an independent nation, the United States of America has petitioned Queen Elizabeth II to reinstate the world’s most powerful country as a protectorate of Great Britain. President Barack Obama, in a candid yet hopeful statement, commented “Look, do you see what I have to deal with here? I can’t get these (congressmen) to agree on where we order for lunch. As soon as the Republicans determine that a few Democrats want pizza, all the sudden (the Republicans) are all on diets and want to order from Subway. It’s hopeless. But giving the reigns back to Britain, now that’s change I can believe in”The recent move comes as no surprise to political analysts. Every American has by now heard of the sequester, a foolish attempt to lower government spending which has cut programs of everything from White House tours to medical research. This is only the latest of Congress’s ineptitude to pass even the smallest of bills. The only bills that pass congress are ones trying to repeal old bills. Since the Affordable Care Act, donned “Obamacare” has passed, there have been over 30 bills coming from the Republican Congress to repeal it. All of these have quickly died in the Democrat run Senate, “The United States has serious problems. We have to talk about Immigration Reform, Rising Healthcare Costs, Social Security and Medicare Overhauls among a hundred other major issues. If these guys can’t even pass a budget of what they spent last year, I don’t see any reason the American people wouldn’t a more experienced foreign government presiding over them” Said Ben Smith of Politico.The mood of the American people seems hopefully apathetic towards the situation. With the average American not knowing who their Senator, Congressman or some even the Vice President, there doesn’t seem to be much reason for them to care. “I’m never going to Washington DC and I’m never going to London, so whether there’s a pompous asshole ruining my life in Washington or in London it really makes no difference,” said local Pizano’s Pizza Owner, Mark Smith. Smith’s comments are echoed from Maury Sandberg, owner of Red Hots Dog Joint, “Look I’m no political expert, but nothing can be worse than who we have currently.” Mark continued at the recent “Rally to Give Our Country Back”, “… And do they still wear funny hats over there? Because that alone would be a major improvement.”In recent opinion polls, a United States Congressman has been the least favorable job with an approval rating of just 8%. Meanwhile, in a recent survey by Gallup Media, favorability ratings of British Parliament have been, 18% approve, 9% Disapprove, and a whopping 73% “We govern ourselves?”.But not everyone is convinced that giving up a representative government is such a good idea, namely those in our current government, “You guys need us, what else would you do every other November than hear our voices and see us posing in front of flags?,” Jeff Flake (R-Arizona),”But I have to admit, the Revolutionary War did bring us all together in a special way, and another one would increase defense contracts to my state, so f*ck it, I don’t care anymore”. Flake is seems to be in the minority however, as we found out when bumping into other members of Congress, “Look I don’t want to give up my pension as much as the next guy,” said Richard “Dick” Durbin (D-Illinois) “But there comes a time when a person needs to do something right for the people… And if giving the United States back to Great Britain makes sure that our entire executive branch is fired and can’t ever return to any sort of power, we have more wins than losses there” Dick said to Tribune, “Plus I won’t need my pension if we have universal healthcare, bonus!”